Friday, January 20, 2006

Voting on the Mailbag

Many contenders this week. Choose one from the following:

Q: I just heard they cancelled "Emily's Reasons Why Not" after ONE episode! Please tell me this is Heather Graham's final step toward Cinemax soft-core stardom. This needs to happen!
-- Dave Sund, Portland, Ore.

SG: I think it's inevitable at this point -- she's a terrible actress and it's only a matter of time. She's one bad business investment away from accepting a role in one of those two-word Cinemax movies where the two words don't really make sense like "Indecent Seduction" or "Sensual Restriction."

Q: How great is it to have a John Holmes on the PGA tour this year? I can only imagine the possibilities, like the first time David Feherty mentions that Holmes is "good with the long stick."
-- Kevin, Hanover, Md.

SG: Obviously, he's my favorite non-Boston professional athlete right now. I want to hang out with him for a weekend, follow him around on the course, make some Johnny Wadd jokes, make some long putter jokes, see if he's heckled at all by the gallery ... maybe I could even caddy for him, just so I could casually say things like, "Man, it's grueling carrying John Holmes' bag around" and "Careful, John Holmes, you don't want to use too much club here." And imagine if he ever won the Masters? How would Jim Nantz announce the winning putt with one of those trademark Nantz-like puns? Would he say, "Just like old times, John Holmes has worn out the field?" What about, "Put that thing away, John Holmes, you just won the Masters!" Plus, can you imagine a Masters ceremony with Hootie Johnson, John Holmes and a maniacally grinning Jim Nantz?

(You know what? If that happens, I'm done. I'm retiring. That's the comedy ceiling, right there. Nothing could top Hootie Johnson and Jim Nantz helping John Holmes put on the green Masters jacket. Nothing. I would have to quit my column and find another challenge in life.)

Q: How long has it been since the two best players in college basketball were both white? I find it fascinating that no one in the media is willing to address this.
-- Fletcher Ray, Portland, Ore.

SG: Address it in what sense? That this is hardcore proof that we're headed toward the worst March Madness of all time?

Q: I read that Elton John had a bachelor party. Is this the only bachelor party in history that it would be OK to decline the invitation to? Can you think of anyone's bachelor party that you would want to go to less than Elton John's?
-- Mike Bell, Baltimore

SG: No. I really can't. But you did get me thinking -- the best bachelor party would be the one for Jake Gyllenhaal, just because he'd be so desperate to preserve street cred and shake the "Brokeback Mountain" thing that everyone would end up participating in some mammoth hooker orgy or something. That should be a contest on when he gets engaged: "You and a friend can win a chance to attend Jake Gyllenhaal's bachelor party!"

Q: Is it just me, or is Tyronn Lue the ugliest woman in the NBA?
-- Dave F., Littleton, Mass.

SG: I keep pitching this idea for my friend Jimmy's TV show that I continue to watch, even though he never listens to my ideas anymore -- a game show called "NBA Player or WNBA Player?", in which they pull two people out of the audience, then show them headshots of NBA players and WNBA players and they have to match the player and the league. Wouldn't this be riveting? Either Tyronn Lue, Carmelo Anthony, Danny Fortson or Teresa Weatherspoon would be the picture for the final round every time. You're telling me that anyone would turn the channel during a round of "NBA Player or WNBA Player?" That's it, I'm giving the idea to Craig Ferguson.

Q: I just found out that the girl from "Just One of the Guys" (Joyce Hyser) was born in 1957. 1957! She's almost 50. Am I over-reacting?
-- Mike M, Atlanta

SG: Considering I just spat out a mouthful of coffee, I would say no.

And finally...

Q: I think I was actually more upset over the assassination of former President David Palmer on "24" last night than I would have been if our actual president would have been assassinated. It was like I lost a member of my own family. Maybe I'm just screwed up, but I don't think so. Here is my question: If you forced every registered voter in America to watch seasons 1-4 on DVD, and convinced Dennis Haysbert to legally change his name to David Palmer, don't you think he would win in a landslide in 2008? I have bounced this question off several people and Palmer has every vote so far, and most would have voted for him over Bush and Kerry.
-- Ryan Desmond, Miami

SG: Obviously I'm with you. But while we're here, some readers were upset that I revealed the "24" plot twist in Wednesday's column because they hadn't watched the show yet. So here's my question ... how can you call yourself a "24" fan and not watch the season premiere of "24" right when it airs? Are you kidding me? Would you save the Super Bowl on TiVo and watch it later? What about Game 7 of the NBA Finals? When "24" came on the tube Sunday night, my baby daughter could have had a diaper covered in six pounds of poop and I would have waited until 10 o'clock to change her. I'm not apologizing for this one. You had three days to watch it -- unless you were trapped in a well or something, there's no excuse. That's like saying that I shouldn't have discussed the Bettis Fumble.


Have a good weekend, everybody... hope I made up for this week's lack of posts!

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