Sunday, March 05, 2006

Oscar Predictions

1) On the red carpet tonight, every stupid commentator from E! and ABC and what-have-you will be falling all over themselves to compliment Sarah Jessica Parker on how stunning (and/or radiant) she looks.

Whether they are actually watching the ceremony or not, every man in America will simultaneously say out loud, "I don't get her at ALL."

Or scream out "yeeeeeeeccccccccchhhhh!"

Or, get a sudden and inexplicable case of the dry heaves.


2) On the contrary, once Scarlett Johannsen makes her first appearance, at least fourteen gentlemen across the country will spontaneously combust.

Unless, of course, big 'ol Isaac Mizrahi is in the camera frame, touchin' on her boobs again. In that case, far more men will die.

3) Jon Stewart will probably swing back and forth between stilted and funny, but the surefire best moment will be a previously-taped exchange with Stephen Colbert, where Colbert wags his finger at all in attendance (and, perhaps, launches an all-out assault against any bears that might be in the audience).

This exchange will immediately make everyone in the audience ask themselves "hey-- why didn't we get THAT guy to host"?

4) In spite of his sure-to-be-outstanding performance in Failure to Launch, Terry Bradshaw will not hear his name on this or any other Oscar evening.

5) After the seventh joke is made about how long the evening is running, I will pull out a gun and shoot out my television screen.

6) Somewhere around minute 16 of the telecast, I will begin to flip around, changing channels like I'm getting paid to do so.

I will invariably spend a great deal of time on Univision, thinking to myself "hey! I think they just said the word for 'playground'"!

And even though I will swear not to return to the sure-to-be-boring ceremony, I will... of course. Multiple times.

7) Unfortunately, I will likely miss the performance of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp," but because it's not going to be performed by Terrence Howard, it won't matter all that much.

8) Whether it's a new episode, a repeat, or not on at all, Family Guy will be far more enjoyable than the Oscar ceremony.

Especially if there's a "doody" joke. Those totally crack me up.

9) The over/under on Stewart pulling on his collar after a joke bombs, and making a Johnny Carson-like "mmmmmOOKaaaay"!!! sound? 17.

10) Here are your winners:

Picture: Brokeback Mountain
Actor: Hoffman
Actress: Witherspoon
Supporting Actor: Clooney
Supporting Actress: Weisz
Director: Lee

Syriana, Good Night... and Munich get the screws, for the most part.

Middle America freaks out for a day, fears that the Gay Cowboy Apocalypse is nigh, then forgets about the whole thing by Tuesday.

Know why?

'Cuz it's NASCAR season, bitches!!!

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