Saturday, April 15, 2006

Enough Already-- It's Time for an Intervention

It could be argued that we need to stage an intervention for Jeff for any one of a number of reasons. His life, as he will tell you, is a complete and utter shambles, and in so many ways that you can virtually smell the tears as he walks in a room.

Which is why it was unbelievable, then, that last night he demonstrated yet another new issue, another new problem area that.... frankly, it's going to be up to us to remedy.


As you can see, it seems that Jeff is trying to drown his sorrows in an almost unthinkably enormous bowl of french fries. With... yes... an entire plate's worth of ketchup in his other hand.

Disgusting, right? Am I right???

It seems that, not unlike Hurley on Lost, Jeff is using food to block out his pain. To forget about his daily tragedies, his weekly miseries, his...


My fear is that soon, if we do nothing... Jeff won't be blocking out his pain-- he'll be blocking his arteries.

Now, granted, it was a strong move on his part to attempt to recognize Good Friday, and therefore not eat meat last night. And I'm sure that it was difficult to say "no" to Five Guys when (a) you're standing in the place, and (b) your two friends both get cheeseburgers, and happily.

But the overcompensation... I mean, look at this!

So, this being the case... just know that I'm going to be... uh... "calling in favors" from a number of you next week. I'll let you know the "when" and "where."

We're gonna get this sorry bastard sorted.


All kidding aside, last night was tremendous. The guys came over for drinks (a good many, considering that the three of us were/are sorely out of practice), the aforementioned Five Guys, a viewing of Sin City, and a hysterical reading through the comments/wreckage caused by a certain music review a few weeks back (reminiscent of our previous readings of Chuck Norris facts and... um... toboggans).

"Suck it, Trebek!"

We also discussed Grady Little, how Muscle & Fitness is a magazine for juicers, and how I'll soon be interviewing Anthony Kiedis.

But none of that is half as interesting as it sounds.


Anyway... despite the fact that much of the night was a riot (the part, specifically, where Noel wasn't calling Chris every other moment to say things like "I just took the elevator from floor 7 to floor 8, just wanted to let you know, darling"), the best part of it, for me, was hosting.


Great that Chris and Jeff seemed to like the place, cool that they came by and hung out and left their garbage all over the fucking place... but just to be able to host again, for the first time in close to a year... it was terrific.

That said, some of the stories, predictions and promises that came out of last night (several of which involved my balcony and a miscellaneous group of unrelated aerodynamic objects)... I'm thinking that I'm never going to let them come over again.

I mean, there's barely any ketchup left!

Those bastards all but kicked my Heinz!

1 comment:

CA said...

The thing no one understands is just how HEAVY that bowl of fries actually was...these aren't your lightweight, fast-food fries, people...those are serious slabs of earth apples. I'd estimate the weight at just under eight pounds...or approximately the size of Jeff's gallstone.

And as for the Heinz...sorry. But have you noticed that they now make bottles that are actually bigger than 8 oz? That thing was pathetic.